Tag Archives: townies

Newtowne Grille: But the Chips are From Oldtowne

31 May

We’ve lived less than three blocks from Newtowne Grille for nine months now, and since we’re not townies or college students, we’ve so far elected not to go in. We’re past the days that we need a $12 pitcher of beer and a $4 pizza…okay, that’s a big fat lie. But when Christopher’s is marginally closer and 1000% better, we just can’t be accountable for never going. Given the sorry state of the nachos, we might be completely justified.

  • Appearance: (5)  The photo here does this particular plate too much justice, but trust us, the tomatoes were wan and the cheese pre-congealed. The chili looked delicious, but god damnit there was lettuce! Cue a very passionate out-loud groan.
  • Quality: (2) We don’t even know where to begin. First of all, we liked the chili. The chunks of meat were ample and not of the ground-beef variety. The extent of our compliments need to end there, because the only other part of these nachos that didn’t make us cry was the lettuce (and black olives! -ed). That should tell you a lot about the quality. The chips were absolutely the stalest we have ever encountered.  Our Guest Correspondent Tim described them as cardboard, which is probably as apt a metaphor as we can give you to describe the stale, soft, and salty foundation of our chos. Normally when you bite into a chip you expect a bright crunching sound. When you bit in to these chips, it sounds a little bit like shattering safety glass. We wondered aloud, what happened to these?  Had someone accidentally left a bag of chips open since last summer and then tried to make nachos with them?? Louder groan!
  • Distribution: (5) The cheese was cold even before it got to our table, making it very hard for it properly coat the chips. The chili was ladled with a heavy hand but unfortunately, only on the very top of the chips, leaving many naked below.  This worked to our advantage as it was easier to spoon off and avoid the abominable chips, but that really doesn’t deserve extra points!
  • Price: (5.5) At $10, why not just pay a dollar more and go for the $11 pitcher-of-PBR-and-pizza deal, and save yourself the jaw-numbing, soul-crushing apocalypse that is these nachos?? Really.  Save yourself.
  • Overall: 17.5/40.

Here’s a question: how long do these nachos have to go un-ordered before Newtowne takes them off the menu? Three months? Six? We, say, however long as it takes.  People of the world, unite! Boycott this disaster!  Down with stale chips!  Viva la PBR and pizza instead!

The Draft: Journey to the Center of the Nachos

7 Apr

dsc03278Like proverbial hunter-gatherers, Nacho Patrol is in the business of foraging. We started out with the easy ones, but as necessity requires, we roam further and further from our World Headquarters in search of fresh resources. As part of our effort to review all of the nachos on Harvard Street/Avenue, we took another step northwards towards the end of our journey (also known as the Sports Depot) and ended up at The Draft.

The Draft is not for the faint of heart. You need a healthy tolerance for bros and townies, strong quad muscles (for hovering over the questionable toilet seats, ladies!), and an affinity for beer, because even if you are sticking to hard liquor, the pervasive smell of stale brews is enough to give a slight buzz. We appreciated that The Draft takes the concept of “top shelf” literally; the Grey Goose and JW Black Label were perched on a dusty shelf near the rafters, as if to keep mischievous patrons from helping themselves. Yet, in a nod to Allston, they were flanked by Red Bull and PBR tallboys. Ah, classy…

At any rate, on to the nachos!

  • Appearance: (7) A lot of brightly colored chips, with chili, cheese and jalapenos over the top. The peppers looked a little peaked, giving the whole plate a slightly sad appearance. We could see some clearly unmelted cheese, which was a bad omen.
  • Quality of Ingredients: (6) Neither good or bad enough to be memorable. Decent chili.
  • Distribution of Toppings: (5) The nachos were listed on the menu with no mention of chili (just chips, cheese, salsa, peppers, etc.) When we inquired about chili, our bartender seemed a little surprised, but said he could do it. We shudder to think of what these would have been like without, because even with the extra topping, there were a number of naked chips. Since all the chili was dumped on top, once we had taken off the top layer there was little topping to be had. We barely even remember seeing or tasting cheese, which was a disappointment. We also had to ask for sour cream, and guacamole was not available.
  • Price: (7) We would have pitched a fit if they charged us extra for the chili, but they didn’t. For $8, they were pretty good
  • Overall: 25. Really, don’t go here. Walk the extra block for some much better nachos at Sunset Cantina

The further north we venture, the bleaker the terrain. However, we shall continue on towards our manifest destiny, in hopes of a brighter future