Tag Archives: Random Rants

Classics Revisited: Cambridge Common

20 Jun

We try to care about sports.  Really, we do.  Normally, Smasharita keeps our heads in the game by dragging us out/inviting us over for major Boston sporting events.  But now, Smash is gone, schlepping her passport through Arizona, and aside from Andi’s passion for the Twins (90% of which is based solely on Joe Mauer’s chiseled jawline) and Skyler’s perpetual hope that the Blazers will one day make it…somewhere (next year, boys!), there is little to get us invested in sports games, to really make our blood boil.

That is, other than Kobe Bryant.

Our hatred directed towards Kobe far exceeds the combined love of all our other sports interests.  It drives us to root for anyone opposing him, even a fellow Laker who accidentally throws him an elbow.  We don’t care that he’s handsome, fluent in several languages, the all-time highest scoring Laker of all time, and once made a cameo in a Destiny’s Child video.  Despite the criminal case being dropped, we will always think of him as a rapist.  And a bit of a D-Bag.  So on June 17, 2010, we agreed to meet to meet our green-shirted friends out at Cambridge Common in the hopes of seeing Kobe crushed by defeat.  Barring that, we at least wanted some decent nachos.  Sadly, we got neither.  We enjoyed the nachos when we were here over a year ago, but found them to be much downgraded.

  • Appearance: (7) Nothing here has changed…unfortunately.  We gave these an 8 last time but have since learned to expect better.
  • Quality of Ingredients: (6)  Gone were all the distinctive, homemade ingredients that made these nachos memorable.  The chips, far from the substantial ones of yore, were clearly of the store bought white corn variety.  The salsa tasted nothing of cilantro and everything of jar. No guacamole or sour cream were offered.  The chicken was decent but nowhere near zesty.  The jalapenos nearly burned our tongues off, which wasn’t so bad, as it distracted us from the pain of watching Kobe Bryant celebrate another NBA title.
  • Distribution of Toppings: (5) These nachos ran into the same problems of their predecessor– dryness from the lack of chili, uneven cheese coating, and naked chips.  However, without the extra toppings to help, the score is going down.
  • Price: (7) Price stays the same, size and quality do not.
  • Overall: 25/40.  We were much disappointed with the caliber of these nachos. ‘Till the next NBA final, we don’t anticipate ordering them again.

St. Patty’s Day at Cornwalls: A few not-so-surprising thoughts RE: corned beef and jalepenos

22 Mar

We are FAR too lazy to review nachos these days. Spring is in the air and the last thing we want to do is continue to pad our abs with globs of cheese. But since we’re in Boston, we couldn’t pass up the chance to venture into the bowels of Kenmore Square in hopes of finding some quality Irish nachos this last St. Patrick’s Day. The beer was green, the Jameson was neat, and the Drop Kick Murphy’s were playing somewhere. Sadly, if there were nachos in the area, they were not forthcoming, and we were forced to take matters into our own hands at Cornwall’s Pub.

First and foremost, we were under the impression that Cornwall’s didn’t have nachos. Many a night when we were looking to do some quality sloshin’ and noshin’, we confirmed with some now-MIA companions that Cornwall’s didn’t do nachos. They do darts and board games and occasionally a drunk Dean of Student, but not nachos. We’d made peace with that. And then someone tells us they have nachos–and not just normal nachos, but nachos with genuine Velveeta-esque cheese sauce! That was something we needed to know about years ago! Judging from our other encounters with queso-ed nachos, a formal review of Cornwall’s nachos probably won’t go very well, but the prospect of finally finishing off the Kenmore bars gets us all worked up.

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Today, we need to make a public service announcement.

As always, please disregard the photo quality. Alcohol, green food coloring, and dim lighting were factors. These are Cornwall’s normal nachos, except in our desperation to bring the luck of the Irish to our obsession, we elected to order them with corned beef. Great idea, right? A great idea until you remember that the following things don’t go well with corned beef: velveeta, sour cream, salsa, white cheese, and (most importantly) jalepenos. Individually, we enjoy all of these things. Together, it was a little bit of a disaster….a disaster which we nonetheless consumed with childlike glee/drunk munchies.

Now, if we were to make the perfect Irish nacho, it would include some sort of potato based chip substitute (potato chips or potato skins for instance), a cabbage slaw of some persuasion, some cheesy binder, and a pile of perfectly prepared, perhaps shredded, corned beef. It would not, despite what this website suggests, contain anything vaguely Tex-Mex. Shockingly, those two flavors just don’t mix.

We’ll be keeping that in mind for the next St. Patty’s Day. In the mean time, keep a keen eye out for our upcoming, very professional, well-planned, never drunk Official Review of Cornwall’s nachos.

Sports Depot: Back that Caboose Up

31 Jan

We’ve spent a lot of time dwelling on the Sports Depot in Allston. It’s not far from Nacho Patrol’s ancestral manse–located just under the giant Ace Tickets sign, right on the 66 bus line, next to a giant red caboose, we oft pass it on our travels to the much classier haunts of Harvard Square. To us, it became a kind of mecca, the holiest of nacho areas, the destination one waits her whole life to experience. And after sixty-some reviews under our belt, we felt ready to venture into what would surely spell instant enlightenment. No longer would we wander from incarnation to incarnation of less-than-stellar nachos: finally, after two long years, we would reach the pinnacle and ascend directly to the nacho lover’s equivalent of heaven: a 40/40 score.

Unfortunately, the road a nacho reviewer walks is a long one, one perhaps assigned by the stars to end in failure.

If there were a way we could put our blubbering tears into writing, we would add it right here. Suffice it to say, we have thesaurus.com queued to search “disappoint” as we write this.  Many metaphors were made on the spot in an attempt to vocalize our disappointment. Remember when you were so excited to see the last Star Trek: TNG movie? You were sure that auteur Brent Spiner was going to weave solid gold. You waited and pined and dreamed, but when it got here, you were so dismayed you couldn’t even a remember a day when Star Trek was good. Heartbroken and dejected, you had to create and watch an entire 60-episode Star Trek: TNG syllabus in the hopes of rekindling the dim light of joy in your heart. To use parlance our younger readers will understanding, imagine if you were expecting Bella Swan and Edward Cullen on their wedding night, and instead got the sordid tale of Bella deciding to go back to Phoenix and losing it to her three-week boyfriend in a tent after junior prom. Now that we’re all on the same page, let’s break down the gritty details:

  • Appearance: (6.3) with the tears in our eyes, it was hard to get a clear mental picture, but we will say these nachos were nothing to write home about. Again, we apologize for the piss-poor image quality as of late–after many long weeks, we finally have a functioning camera and we hope that soon we’ll remember to bring it. Highlights from this particular plate have to the fresh tomatoes and the chopped green onions. Low lights have to be…everything else. Who knew a place that has its own caboose would lack any originality in its food.
  • Distribution: (7) in our effort to be cunning linguists, we can only say that the distribution was pretty crappy. On first glance we expected a lot more naked chips than we got. The refried beans certainly helped add a nice coating of flavor, but there wasn’t nearly enough chili (in fact, there may have only been one bean and one substantial piece of beef) or cheese or tomato or guacamole.
  • Quality (6): The fresh stuff was the tastiest–the tomatoes, guac, and green onions. The refried beans were exactly what you’d expect from a can and there wasn’t enough chili to gauge the flavor.
  • Price (6): Before tip, these nachos were $9.99. Average for this area, but still shitty considering the size.
  • Overall: 25.3/ 40

We’ve been told long ago that success is a journey, not a destination. And as much as it breaks our spirit to admit it, Sports Depot seems to be just another, rather forgettable step on Nacho Patrol’s path toward nacho perfection.