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Toby Keith’s I <3 This Bar and Grill: America. FUTK yeah.

18 Aug

Continuing with our “Nachos From Exotic Locales To Make Up For Rarely Posting” series, we bring you Toby Keith’s I ❤ This Bar & Grill in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. Using live music, hearty portion-sizes, and mason jars, I ❤ This Bar & Grill is doing to country what the Hard Rock Cafe did to rock: increasing the guitar size by 1000% and turning music into a tourist trap. That the developers at the West End thought the new retail park needed a country music bar probably hints at Minnesota’s right-wing swing, but if country music means more nachos for us, then we’re willing to indulge Toby Keith for at least one meal.

  • Appearance: (8) Unlike most people at I ❤ This Bar & Grill, these nachos look good in both dim and direct light. Red, white, and blue chips, green guac, orange cheese-like sauce (see Distribution), parsley confetti. Yep, it has all those things. We’re taking off three points for a messy plate.
  • Distribution: (6) We still don’t know whether the orange stuff was queso dip or melted cheese, but in any case, what they were doing didn’t work. If it was shredded cheese, they did a terrific job melting the top layer, but not so great a job melting the rest. If it’s queso dip, they should have used more to help coat the naked chips on the bottom of the pile. There also wasn’t enough meat, and the so-called black beans touted by the menu were M.I.A.
  • Quality: (6) Despite the distribution problems, the mix of queso dip and shredded cheese gave us an extra kick of melty-goodness. We also enjoyed the smoky, peppery flavors in the salsa. Our primarily complaint is with the pulled pork, which was too sweet, and would have been much better off sans-sauce.
  • Price: (8) All-American nachos, All-American portion size, All-American prices. That used to mean super cheap, but now that means $9 for a small order. Too much for two people, probably too small for a group. In case you’re feeling extra hungry, they have something called “That Damn Nacho,” which includes all the toppings from a small order, plus three kinds of meat–chicken, BBQ beef, and pulled beef–for $20.
  • Overall: 28/40. We feel a little guilty supporting the Toby Keith Industrial Complex, but despite our qualms,  I ❤ This Bar & Grill serves good food in a lively environment. If we knew anything about country music, we’d insert some sort of relevant lyric, but since we stick primarily to 90’s tunes, we’ll close by saying: America! Fuck yeah!
PS. if you don’t get the title of this post, click here.

Temple Bar Cafe (Klovenierburgswal Centrum, Amsterdam): AmsterDAM, these nachos are terrible!

22 Jun
Today’s review is brought to you by the newest division at Nacho Patrol World Headquarters, Parental Patrol. In other horrifying news, our parents are learning how to blog. Ahhh!!! Enjoy!
First let me thank and curse Nacho Patrol for inspiring me to try nachos in odd places- ie, anywhere outside a bar in North America.  So far, I have had nachos in Venice, Vienna and Mumbai, and now, Amsterdam.  With emphasis on those last three letters…..

We had a one-nighter in Amsterdam on our way home from Europe.  We dropped off the bags, zipped into the city, and realized we were hungry.  Bought a wurst of sorts at the market, then spotted Nachos on a bar menu and knew this was the ever-so-flimsy excuse we needed to grab a seat, order up some brewskies and try Dutch Nachos.

Since they're not regular Patroller's, Parental Patrol didn't know you're supposed to take a picture before you eat

Let’s just say the beers were great.  The “nachos” were those south-of-the-border spiced Dorito chips, only somehow thicker, with your standard movie-theatre orange cheeselike sauce pumped over. They did go to the extra effort to pump this substance onto several layers of Doritos in the bowl, so that you could appreciate the mediocrity all the way down to the bottom layer of chips. There was a little bowl of something red that must have been their stab at salsa.  Why does Europe insist on pureeing all salsas?

Verdict.  Not even an excuse for nachos.  Just doritos with imitation cheese sauce and imitation salsa.  Nice locale, nice beers, wonderful people watching.  Saw a bike saloon that looked like a lot more fun than these nachos.

Bringing a new dimension to drunk biking

Giving these nachos a number is an insult to nachos everywhere.  0/40.  Hop onto the bike saloon instead, enjoy the beer, and stick to what the dutch do best–biking, drinking, and talking in a language that involves a lot of involuntary spitting.

Happy Cinco de Drinko!

5 May

Happy Cinco de Mayo from everyone at Nachopatrol! After National Tortilla Chip Day, it’s our favorite holiday of the year! On our menu tonight: grilled chicken fajitas, nachos with homemade Qdoba queso sauce, and our signature margarita, “The Border” (no fewer than 2 shots of tequila, Sauza margarita mix, and a ranch salt rim).

Yes, ranch salt. Patent pending.

From all of us at Nachopatrol, we wish you and yours a crunch, cheesy, spicy, and hangover free holiday season!

– Love,

Andi, Skyler, Smashley, Shanti, Trevor, Angela, Harrison, and our Army of Guest Correspondents