Volcano-No and the American Psyche

20 May

Taco Bell’s Volcano Nachos are not your average hate-to-love-it dish. When every fiber of your being fights against that first bite, you know you’re supposed to listen. And you know that first chip will just sell your soul back to the depths of Fast Food hell… at least until the last scrap of chip has been used to scoop up that plasticky cheese straight into the narrowing arteries of your body.

62 grams of self-hate available from your neighborhood  drive-throughTo prevent you from ever doing it again, Nacho Patrol bit this tough bullet with a breakdown of Taco Bell’s “super-spicy” insult to the culinary heaven of nachos. Loathe are we to include a few nutritional facts, but with the temptation of $3.50 nachos looming in the outskirts of Boston, we think it’s for your own good. It’s the only item on the Taco Bell menu with a four-digit calorie value at a delicate, even thousand. It’s also one of only 5 items with over 1900mg of sodium. Finally (the faint of heart may want to skip this), it’s the menu-topper for total fat at 62 grams.

Appearance: (7) Unnaturally bright and beautiful colors, but grease-laden chips makes for a mixed bag.

Quality of Ingredients: (6) Now, our readers know we love salt (we may tend to sprinkle it on our toothpaste just to get our first dose in the morning) but this is salty overkill. There’s no REAL part of a cow that grinds into the symmetric round balls that they claim is ground beef. The cheese sauce is instantly a noticeably hindering presence in your veins. The veggies are surprisingly flavorful.

Distribution: (7) The pile of ingredients on top leaves dry chips underneath, but there’s still plenty of topping to go around. You may even get a nasty hardened pool of cheese at the bottom if you’re lucky.

Price: (1) For the damage a patroller is doing to her taste buds, her girlish figure, her life expectancy, and her self-respect, the price of these nachos definitely needs to be more deterring.

Overall: (21) Taco Bell, we hate to love you for our late-night, dirty nacho fixes that leave us saddened and bewildered the next morning. You are a patrollers ultimate date rape, and we never want to see you again (but let’s face it…).

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