Nearly a month ago I bid adieu to the Nacho Patrol, and hopped a plane to London. There were many things to be worried about… would I like the city? Would I meet new friends? Could I successfully return to the poverty-stricken life of a student? Having spent my first month dealing with these issues, I am now turning to a more important one: the state of British nachos.
London is a great city. Over the past month, I have enjoyed pints of cask ales and fine plates of sausage and mash. However, just as the City currently suffers from a dearth of capital, the city of London has a severe nacho-deficiency. I tested my first plate at The Ranch in Bristol. After several glasses of wine, I spotted something unusual amongst the crisps and sandwiches… could it be?
Yes, it was. But oh, was it disappointing…
- Appearance: Plaintive. The tortilla chips were scattered on the plate, while most of the toppings were clumped in the middle of plate (5/10).
- Quality of Toppings: Abysmal. I’d heard British food was bad. It seems the only thing worse when the British try to branch out. They did have the standard sour cream and guacamole. The cheese was mostly clumped in the middle, and some of it wasn’t even melted! This led to the revelation of the first axiom of nachos: Melted cheese is requirement to bear the distinguished label of “nachos.” Nachos without melted cheese is like a Sarah Palin speech without a Joe-six-pack reference or a down syndrome baby… (3/10).
- Distribution of Toppings: Appallingly bad. Excessive clumping is a nacho plate’s worst enemy (3/10).
- Value: In this case, free. I’m assuming it’d be ridiculously expensive under normal circumstances just like everything else in the UK (5/10).
- Overall: 16/40. These barely qualified as nachos. Thankfully, it’s unlikely I will be back in Bristol in the near future.
Despite the rough start, I believe that a country like Britain must have decent nachos somewhere. And I shall persevere even if it takes years to find them.