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Auckland’s Mexican Cafe: Where Tex-Mex Meets Hazy Cultural Insensitivity

When the Mexican Cafe in Auckland claims to offer the “experience [of] real Mexican food,” we suspect that they in fact mean the “experience of only half-way acceptable Tex-Mex and overpriced drinks served in a kitschy and utterly stereotyped atmosphere.” The designers of Epcot Center’s Mexico exhibit–complete with Mayan temple and a river ride–would be jealous of this place. With vibrant colors highlighting the walls, overflowing crepe paper, Christmas lights, a large tile mosaic, and the extensive collection of Mexican airport souvenirs, this place looks to have fallen out of a mariachi band’s closet. Yes, the atmosphere wins the Mexican Cafe points, and we’ve been told by at least two drunk people that the 11pm Friday salsa dancing is choice, but unfortunately we can’t say the same about the nachos.

Note: Mexican Cafe offers four (4!!!) types of nachos, ranging in price from $11.50 to $20 (all prices in NZD). In Nacho Patrol style, we went for the upper echelon, the Extra Special Nachos:

Appearance: (6) we’ve heard that New Zealand is a very green country, and these nachos were no exception. Riddled with lettuce (alas the day!), guacamole, and cilantro, Mexican Cafe nachos were like a taco salad with extra chips. The sea of sour cream certainly didn’t help the cause, though we did appreciate the sprinkle of color offered by the tomatoes.
Quality of toppings: (7) the quality just barely ekes by as the strong suit in this review. Good, if a little underwhelming, guac, accented by the freshness of the tomatoes and the cilantro. We also felt some affinity for the “mild tomato based sauce” (a salsa stand-in?), and if you like your beef to taste like it came from a 99 cent Shaws taco mix (and we do), then you’re in luck. Think ground Taco Bell meat, but only slightly higher quality. The chips, on the negative side, were generally unpleasant–greasy and not properly salted–nor can remember much about the beans, onions, or cheese. Probably for the following reason…
Distribution: (5) we wanted to give distribution a higher rating, but unfortunately we were too busy scouring the plate for some small speck of cheese. The lettuce, guac, and sour cream played their parts well, blending together to coat the plate in a viscous, pale green mess. How appetizing. Yet there we found perhaps one measly strand of clear cheese. While not nearly so MIA, but still sadly lacking, we also had trouble finding these mythical beans the menu touted. There might have been three. Four would be pushing it. Not like it mattered–they didn’t taste like anything anyway.
Price: (2) we actually wanted to take points off for price, but since we’re feeling generous and giddy from a day of hiking, we decided to settle for the second lowest price score Nacho Patrol has ever awarded (it’s hard to beat El Paso’s woeful score of 1). Mexican Cafe charges an even $20 (USD $13.40) for chicken or beef “Extra Special Nachos,” which are handily finished by one person. Factor in credit card fees and the suddenly rising exchange rate, and this particular plate left a sizable dent in our New Zealand nacho budget (which we can assure you is ample).
Overall: 20/40. We really wanted these nachos to be successful. After all, this is THE place to go in Auckland for Mexican food. Yet in the end, all our prayers at the alter Our Lady of Guadeloupe proved to be naught, leaving us to conclude that one should come to the Mexican Cafe for the salsa dance and leave shortly thereafter.

On side note, and one of interest to Smasharita, don’t waste your money on the margaritas. In fact, don’t waste your money at any bar in the Auckland area because they more than likely are giving you half-shots and watering down the liquor. NSD $13 for the Sunshine Margarita which, while refreshing, was just about as weak as dishwater and tasted vaguely like fresh cut grass. Border Cafe, oh HOW WE MISS YOU!

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Clery’s: Our Achy Breaky Heart

30 May

Nacho Patrol has, as of late, been disillusioned. Everywhere we turn, we are submerged in a sea of cheese sauce. Our arteries simply can’t take it anymore! One more plate of slimy, high fat, liquefied cheese and Nacho Patrol will be checking into the nearest hospital for multiple triple bypasses. Our noble quest for nacho perfection will be for naught, our mission forever lost in the annals of Internet history!

Cheese sauce on nachos seems primarily to be a staple of Boston’s so-called “Irish” pubs. We’re still not really sure what that means. Just because you have Guinness, Smithwicks, and Shepard’s pie does not make you Irish. Everyone has that. Our mother’s dog has that. We also aren’t particularly sure what possesses the “Irish” to smother their nachos in a gooey bath of queso. Clery’s in Back Bay used this tactic to dress their nachos, much to the dismay of our taste buds and our now-fatty livers. Here’s the details:

Appearance: (7.5) Nacho Patrol appreciates fresh tomatoes on our nachos. It adds a kick of color and a clean, healthy taste to what usually is a caloric minefield. The salsa, olives, and sour cream also did a lot to distract from the pale, cheesy mess soaking our nachos. Generally, an appetizing-looking arrangement of colors and textures, but certainly not helped by the queso.
Quality of ingredients: (6) Again, none of the nacho staples were particularly off (good tomatoes, salsa, olives, jalapenos, sour cream, etc). It was the cheese sauce that tainted what could have been a fine example of “Irish” nachos. Sure, it was probably tediously melted in-house, but that doesn’t change the fact that cheese sauce is, by its nature, too salty, too viscous, and simply too soupy to enjoy. As we grasp for a glass of water, the nachos leave us feeling like we might have just taken 5 years off of our lives. MGH should keep a room open for us.
Distribution: ( 7 ) As always, the goes-anywhere nature of cheese sauce makes for perfect distribution. We wish we could have reviewed the placement of the chili, but as it was forgotten and later added, we can’t comment on it’s distribution.
Price: (5) $10, which is apparently the standard of sub-par bar nachos in Boston. We expect more.
Overall: 25.5/40

It’s official. We hate Boston’s fake-Irish bars. We get it, Glynn Hospitality Group–you want to bank on that tough, hard-drinking, Colin Farrell vibe that tourists just love. Unfortunately, it’s just plain boring. If Nacho Patrol was in government, we’d set up new zoning laws that would only allow these crap shoots every other block, instead of every ten feet. We’d also create an ordinance that banned queso dip everywhere but Border Cafe.

All this ranting has given us chest pains. Someone call 911.

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McGreevy’s: The Official Boylston Epic (Part 3); or, McGriefy’s

27 May

When the going gets tough, the tough get drinkin’. And when Nacho Patrol goes drinking, they also tend to eat nachos. We probably will do neither of those things at McGreevy’s again anytime soon.

For the most part, each of the Hynes area bars having some distinguishing quality: Pour House has amazing nachos, Whiskey’s has good taps if you’re not a beer snob, Bukowski’s takes care of you if you are. McGreevy’s, sadly, doesn’t have a lot going on. Save for their $30 burger, their food is generally sub par, the music is too loud, everything is rather sticky, the bartenders won’t ever put the ballgame on you want to watch, the service is awful, and the taps are limited to the stereotypical Boston Irish pub selection (Bud, Bud Light, Stella, Guinness, Bass, Sam Summer, Harpoon I.P.A, and Smithwicks). Of course, that would never stop Nacho Patrol.

Appearance: (6) colorful, but very small. We will get to that later. The variety of peppers on top was a pretty touch, though in the end a little gastronomically unnecessary. Bright cheese was contrasted by blisteringly white chicken. On the whole, quite nice looking. The little to-go cups of salsa and sour cream were, like the peppers, a bit distracting and just about the strangest distribution choice ever. Sure, we’ve had salsa and sour cream on the side, but it’s hard to describe exactly how lazy serving something in plastic cups at a sit down restaurant actually is. We’ve never done this before, but they get -3 points for unclassiness.
Quality of Ingredients: ( 8 ) On the whole, everything was better than expected. The chips were thicker than usual, and the cheese was a delicious mixture of cheddar and jack. Grilled chicken can tend to be dry, but this was charred just enough and quite moist. Both pickled and fresh jalapenos (in a melee of colors) added a welcome touch of spice, and we were also impressed by the addition of black olives and green onions.
Distribution of Toppings: ( 8 ) Again, not too many complaints here. Very few naked chips, enough cheese to provide proper moisture, many a chunk of chicken. Perhaps a few too many peppers, though, as we were left at the end with plate full of colorful jalapenos.
Price: (6) When going out in this area, we don’t really expect to get good deals. These nachos were no exception. For $8 we expect something much larger. Furthermore, a couple of chunks of chicken should never cost $2. Seriously.
Overall: 28/40

Nacho Patrol sincerely wishes that the bars in this area would take a few cues from Pour House, which every day proves to be leaps and bounds above its neighbors. Not only are the Pour House nachos almost Homeric in quality and size, but you can get a massive glass tankard of P.B.R. for like $4. And unlike McGreevy’s, they somehow make it all classy. Sure, Pour House isn’t a place you’d want to take mom and dad, but at least they have a friggin’ understanding of atmosphere.

Well, at least none of us got hit on by dudes with pocket squares this particular trip to McGreevy’s. .7 extra points! 28.7/40