Much nacho love,

Skyler, Andi and Smash

• Appearance: ( 8 ) A muted green and orange color palette that vaguely reminded us of the 1970′s. We like the 1970′s.
• Quality of Ingredients: ( 9 ) Once again, the salsa stole the show. The tomatillos in the salsa were cut into sizeable chunks that added a delightful tartness, working well with the sweet potatoes. The frisee added another layer of tart freshness. A sweet potato soup was used as the sauce in these nachos, and while it would have been delicious on its own, combined with the roasted sweet potato chunks it was just a little too sweet. Hankering for a little more zest, we made liberal use of the Cholula bottle and the chopped jalapeno and poblano chilies that our ever-accomodating waitress, Laura, brought to the table. The cheese, when we finally found it, was the missing link that these nachos needed.
• Distribution of Toppings: ( 7 ) Everything was wonderfully arrayed, but for the cheese. There was very little of it and it was all in one slab in the center of the nachos. We would have loved more crumbles to add a little more savory.
• Overall: 24/30. A meat-free nacho with substance, and a delightfully sneaky way to get in a serving of veggies. We could eat these five days a week, with only a little more cheese…

Fenway News: After a year and half of dedicated reviewing, we can safely say that there simply aren’t good nachos in the Fenway area. Trust us, we have done the leg work. After our disastrous 2008 review at Beer Works (23), we didn’t have much luck at Lower Depths (27), Cask & Flagon (28), or at Fenway (18) itself. The closest we came was Uno’s (30), and since it’s a chain, we tend to not count it as an independent “Fenway area” bar. In short, stick to hot wings, Bud Light, and street vendors. It’s what Fenway does best.

Boylston News: Avid readers will know that we’ve tackled many of the most famous restaurants on Boylston Street in something we’ve called the five-part Official Boylston Epic. This doesn’t include anything in on Newbury or the surrounding area…not that there’s much going on to mention. To be honest, everything is overshadowed by Pour House (number 1 with 36!), but if we had to recommend others, we’d probably have to go with Whiskey’s (29) and their extra spicy chili and Cactus Club’s (29) super cheesy nachos.

Best “Foreign”: Over the year, our crack team of Foreign Correspondents has circled the globe in hope of finding good nachos. So far…well, take a look for yourself. Apparently, the farther you get from Mexico, the worse they get. The two bright spots have to be Jordan’s (31) Irish Specialty Nachos just outside of Denver University and the Big Four Nachos at Bryant Lake Bowl (30) in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Best Specialty: sometimes, getting away from the typical bar nacho can be an enlightening experience, and after all the great specialty nachos we’ve had this year, we feel practically blissful!

1. Big City Mediterranean Nachos (34): pita chips covered with spinach and artichoke dip, jack and feta cheese, chopped balsamic tomatoes, kalamata olives, roasted peppers, and hummus on the side. Greek and unique!
2. Christopher’s Yuppie Nachos (31): sour cream, guacamole, jack and cheddar cheeses, goat cheese, and sun-dried tomatoes. It makes our mouths water just thinking about it!
3. Jordan’s Irish Nachos (32): kettle-fried potato chips topped with corned beef, swiss cheese, horseradish dijon, tomatoes and scallions. If your nachos aren’t fattening enough, get them with potato chips.

Best bar nachos: Let’s start off first with a definition–bar nachos are any plate with tortilla chips, cheddar cheese (or equivalent), chili or chicken (or similar protein), salsa, guacamole, and sour cream. Maybe some jalapenos and black olives for good measure. That said, we can say unequivocally that Sunset Cantina and Sunset Grill & Tap (35) have the best, most reliably good bar nachos around. With a variety of interesting proteins and an eye for brilliant distribution, we have never been disappointed with Sunset nachos. Our only complaint is the shredded lettuce on top. However, the keenest readers among you will notice that we’ve given Harry’s Bar and Grill (35.5) a higher total score. All we can say is that this score is up for reevaluation after a particularly unpleasant nacho experience we had at the aforementioned bar…Nonetheless, we will leave it up for the time being.

Excellence in Mexicana: no, nachos aren’t Mexican. We’ll admit it…begrudgingly. Nonetheless, 2009 saw some great nachos at Boston’s “Mexican” restaurants. Cantina La Mexicana (32) in Union Square and Cafe Sol Azteca (32) on the edge of Boston University campus may have had tied scores, but we’ve got to give Cantina the number one spot simply for their amazing waitstaff. Still, both restaurants had great foods, great drinks, and a great atmosphere. Viva Mexico!

Best Nachos on a Mediocre Internet Date: Cambridge Common (31). Self explanatory.

Best Nachos with Cheese Sauce: Nachopatrol is divided on the issue of cheese sauce.  Some like it, some hate it, but all came together to hail the Rattlesnake Bar & Grill (28) for their legitimately cheesy, obviously homemade sauce.  Although their sauce tasted from a can, the friendliness and persistence in following our blog that the fine people of JJ Foley’s (also 28) have demonstrated gives them an honorable mention.

Biggest Disappointments/Hall of Shame: Coolidge Corner Clubhouse (21).  After bragging about their nachos, and hearing about them from many others, we were disgusted to find a towering inferno of burned, greasy chips and lackluster toppings. Sometimes we can be accused to bias, but in the case of the CCC, the coffin has been shut, nailed closed, burned, and the ashes buried under six feet of earth. We will never return.

Nacho Patrol of the Year: Every now and then we get on our knees and thank the stars that Border Cafe (32) in Harvard Square exists, so maybe it’s not surprising that most fun we’ve ever had while Nacho Patrolling was at this upbeat, friendly, and always-packed Tex-Mex restaurant. And that’s not just the margs talking! After order $15 worth of dips and sides, we created our own nacho plate, and even got a manager to discuss with us why a Tex-Mex joint doesn’t have nachos. As she explained it, Border only deals in “original” Tex-Mex. We’re still not sure what that means–it must be ego that allows them to call enchiladas and fajitas original. But whatever. It was worth the doubting looks. Bring back Cholula and we’ll be there every day.

Review of the Year: It goes without saying that our favorite review had to be of Nachopalooza ’09. What will become a yearly tradition (and by yearly, we mean weekly), Nachopalooza allowed us to express our nacho love with our 20 closest friends, while drinking jello shots (SPRING BREAK) and taking pictures with our homemade Carson Daly. So, if you’re thinking of hosting your own very classy, very tasty nacho party, read our syllabus.

2009′s Most Controversial Nacho: The review hasn’t been posted yet, but trust us. It will get violent.

Best Comment: This year’s comment award was a tie between Mama S, who hated our blog so much it made her puke and the good people of J.J. Foley’s, who gave us hope that perhaps our reviews will one day change the world of nachos. Unfortunately, Andi was the tie-breaker, and because of a possible conflict of interest (Mama S=her mom), she had to bow out of the race.

Worst: That’s right, these are our worst nachos of the year. Avoid like SARS (or maybe Swine Flu)…

1. Other Side (17): Technically, The Other Side had a higher score than El Paso and Casa Bonita, but we hate it so much that we gave it the honorable position of #1 Worst Nacho Anywhere in the World. Congrats, you over-rated piece of shit, hipster hell hole.
2. Casa Bonita (10): The lowest nacho score to date, but no one was expecting much.
3. El Paso (15): Only slightly better than a poke in the eye.
4. White Horse (21):  We’re ashamed to admit we even considered this American-cheese monstrosity.
5. Coolidge Corner Clubhouse (21): A low-down, dirty punch to the aorta.

Top Ten Nachos of 2009:

1. Harry’s
2. Sunset
3. Big City Mediterranean Nachos
4. Fajita’s and ‘Ritas
5. Cantina La Mexicana
6. Sol Azteca
7. Crossroads
8. Cambridge Common
9. Christopher’s Yuppie Nachos
10. Bryant Lake Bowl

Love,

Nachopatrol

When Nacho Patrol said that they would be live blogging the 1st Annual Spring Break themed Nachopalooza, we meant that we would write about it ten years later. Due to an unfortunate incident involving Comcast high speed internet, approximately 60 jello shots, and a newly-breasted Indiana Jones, we were unable to keep our loyal fans updated. Don’t worry though–here are the highlights, the lowlights, and a complete list of instructions for having your own nacho-worshiping event.

Ingredients:

• A varied selection of cheeses: approximately 6 bags kept 12 people fully cheesy, with some to spare
• 3 lbs of tortilla chips, though this was barely enough
• Crock-o-chili: ours served 8-10, but perhaps we overdid it a little (Nacho Patrol passed out before having the opportunity to put it in the fridge, and the licensed food handlers in the group deemed it unsafe in the morning)
• A jar of jalapenos: for those with stronger palates than ours.
• A jar of salsa: As much as we complain about store bought salsa at restaurants, we are too lazy to make our own.
• A pint of sour cream
• A can of refried beans for our vegetarian friends
• Diced tomatoes
• Diced green onion: unnecessary, you may say, but delightfully delicious
• Black olives: obviously
• Handmade guacamole in massive quantities.

Nacho Patrol had nacho production down to a science. The broiler was preheated, baking sheets were lined up, the aluminum foil was unfurled. The results…were varied.

Cherrie and Julia went the simple route, combining forces to make a large sheet of cheese-only nachos.

Rosannah made nachos that were probably pretty good, but she ate them before we were able to take a picture.

A’Nova was extremely coy, and refused to show us her creation, although in all likelihood it was the best of the night and she just didn’t want to show off.

Laura’s nachos had all the makings of a classic…

…while Andi loaded hers up with color.

Ann Marie was dressed for the occasion and made a seriously meat-laden plate of nachos.

Skyler went heavy on the cheese and light on the salsa.

Angela came late to the party and was forced to scrounge amongst the leftovers.

A number of other guests/Nacho Patrollers created nachos of note, but we kinda forgot to keep taking pictures. The reason? This:

SPRING BREAK!

From left:

• Tequila and lime jello
• Malibu, Absolut New Orleans and white rum with Blackberry Fusion jello
• Malibu and pineapple jello
• White rum and coke with raspberry jello
• White rum and cherry jello

In the end, we chalked up Nachopalooza 2009 as a success!

The Four’s–in Downtown Boston, very close to North Station/T.D. Banknorth–DOES offer your run-of-the-mill Nachos Grande. I vow that someday I shall drag my fellow Patrollers with me and buy them more Nachos Grandes than even we can stuff into our big mouths. And I shall do this as compensation for NOT reviewing those nachos. Not today. Today, I must review The Four’s OTHER “nacho,” if you will, the “nacho” which distracted me from my Nacho Patrol duty. This is the Patrol of The Four’s Buffalo Chicken “Nachos.”

• Appearance: Very colorful if you’re into fall, but without guac or, well, any organic ingredients for that matter, we’re working from a limited palette. But the substance, whiteness of chicken meat, and quantity make these “nachos” eye-candy.
• Quality of toppings: Choice meat, crisp and salty chips, and of course excellent mozzarella cheese and buffalo sauce.
• Distribution: mozzarella was clearly melted from fresh deli-style balls directly down to the chips, making for huge, perfect pockets of cheese everywhere. The buffalo sauce was slightly overdone and inescapable.
• Price: At $10, I wasn’t complaining, and there was much more than enough to satisfy me and my 6’1″ companion, to the point that we had to take most of it home.
• Overall: AMAZING. I cannot give these “nachos” an official numerical rating, as they are outside the bounds of acceptability for our criteria. I only venture to inform our readers that this is a damn good chip.

Nacho Patrol put on its hiking boots and headed 20 minutes north of Boston to On The Border, a chain with locations across the US, for their Grande Fajita Nachos. When we arrived, we immediately encountered a challenge: On The Border has some damn good ‘ritas. It has been raised as an ethical concern to the integrity of our nacho connoisseuring what should be done in moments of such encounters. But we were prepared. We brought a video camera to capture instantaneous reactions AND we verified the report with our designated driver. This Patrol was ready to roll:

• Appearance: At first glance, these nachos are… intriguing. With only about 12 large chips laid flat on a plate, each chip had its own appointed layer of beans, chicken, and cheese. Talk about never coming across a lack of topping. The guac and salsa and sour cream were in scoops in the middle with a jalapenos and a very petite dribble of shredded lettuce. But the lack of “mound” or even multiple flat layers as the Patrol encountered at Uno’s was disheartening, and the color provided by the salsa and guac were instant indicators that both were in way too short of supply to be satisfactory even to only 12 chips. (5)
• Quality of toppings: The chicken was first rate, obviously choice meat (as one might also say of fellow Patroller Harrison), but was poorly cooked! The white, flawless grilled chunks were devastatingly dry. The cheese was under-melted, but the beans and guacamole were fairly fresh. The pico de gallo looked fresh, but there was so little of it that it was difficult to rate. The chips were good and salty, but, as Patrol consult D-zores pointed out, were made soggy by the presence of toppings on each individual chip (see concluding paragraph). However, delicately placed on the table in a stroke of genius and thoughtfulness by the restaurant, there sat a Patroller’s best friend: a bottle of Cholula. Consulting with other patrollers, that earns 100 points toward a nacho. Balancing that against the rest of the “quality” review, we came up with a slightly lower number: (8 )
• Distribution: While we have discussed the draw-back of soggification, there was no shortage of the three main ingredients on each and every chip. This would earn On The Border a perfect 10 if only they’d had the foresight to include sufficient guacamole and salsa. (8 )
• Price: $10. For 12 chips. At 83 cents a chip in this economy, the Patrol demands that each chip have ample rations of guacamole and salsa! (3)
• Overall: 24/40. No wonder the T doesn’t go to Woburn.

This Patrol brought up a very important ethical question regarding the pile-vs-spread ideologies of distribution. While the spread method ensures a no-chip-left-behind policy, the pile method offers a front line of sacrificial chips that ensure every chip is not subject to the soggifying treachery of the toppings.

• Appearance: Yeah. There’s nothing hiding here but the salsa. Refer to picture. But keep reading! (1)
• Quality of ingredients: The cheese was generic canned plastic, BUT the salsa and chips were alarmingly good! The chips were thin and super salty, as all tortillas in any form should be. The salsa was from a jar, rather than a can, and not too watery. That’s 2 out of 3! Rounding up out of ten, quality is getting a pretty solid score. (7)
• Distribution: I would have liked a little more salsa, but there was delightfully enough topping to dip each individual chip! However, they lose points on the technicality that the ingredients weren’t actually distributed over the chips. (7)
• Price: $4.50, for a sports arena, is not atrocious. For the quality of the ingredients, it was on-par. (5)
• Overall: (20/40)

Not bad for concession ‘chos! If only we could give the Terriers the same score. Also, Nacho Patrol acknowledges that the last 3 out of 4 reviews have been non-restauranty. In the interest of our heath and sanity, our readers can expect this to change. Promptly. Next stop: Cambridge!

Edit: Fellow patroller, Andi, takes issue with a 20/40 review for concession stand nachos. They are not nachos–they are chips and fake cheese. Furthermore, ew. Also, no. The end.

El Paso is nestled in bustling Quincy Market of Government Center. In the sea of food to choose from, who wouldn’t be tempted to slip in some afternoon nachos before returning to those TPS reports? Hopefully you, after reading up on the perils hidden therein.

• Appearance: Styrofoam. Un-classy, un-green, and unsanitary. Very colorful though, mostly lending to the beautiful fresh green guacamole dotted with ripe red tomatoes. (5)
• Quality of toppings: The beans were hard. The cheese was the bland canned plastic-quality stuff you get glopped on chips at a ball game. The chips were super greasy, making themselves soggy before the toppings had a chance. The chicken looked and tasted like fried rodent gizzards. The salsa and guacamole were authentic and hand-made. But they were wasted on the corner cutting quality of the other ingredients. (2)
• Distribution of toppings: There was plenty there and lots to spread around. Not that you’d want to. (7)
• Price: $9. For the intestines of rats yielded by prying open traps from the floor of their kitchen and cheese they could have manufactured from mixing orange paint with melted Barbie dolls? Seriously? (1)
• Overall: (15/40)

It isn’t true that no Mexicans work in Government Center. However, it is true that the ones who do work there don’t know how to make nachos. Spring for the Indian food across the way.

Every now and then Nacho Patrol goes on vacation. Shocking, I know–but sunlight does occasionally draw us away from the dark streets of Boston, and when that happens, we must oblige. This time around Andi, Smash, and guest correspondent TomTheBomb.Com ventured to the world headquarters of FUN, Disney World. And what a day it was! Three parks, 13 rides, hundreds of photos, and miles of pavement pounded, Nacho Patrol handily took care of Epcot, Magic Kingdom, and Disney Studios in one VERY long day. Of course, amidst all the happiness and the plummeting down roller coasters, we never forgot our God given mission–to seek out and consume new and exciting nachos, to go boldly where no nacho connoisseur has ever gone before. That fateful day, our destiny brought us to Cantina de San Angel located in the scenic Mexico World Showcase in Epcot.

Warning: we must preface these ratings by noting that this review is of a Disney World foodstuff, so…what do you expect?

• Presentation: (5) Globbed inelegantly on a Styrofoam plate (-3 points for using environmentally destructive serving materials), these nachos looked about as good as nachos made with fake cheese can look. The tomatoes were a nice splash of color on an otherwise unnatural looking array, but keep in mind that these nachos are NOT made to order…pre-made factory-style. YUM! But, what do you expect? It’s Disney World. They need to keep things efficient or our dreams of short lines will be dashed.
• Quality of toppings: (5) bagged chips, fake cheese (the creamy kind that comes out of a giant metal box with a pump on the side), meat that could have come straight from a Taco Bell food prep line, rather decent black beans and tomatoes, though.
• Distribution of toppings: ( 8 ) it definitely helps distribution when all of your toppings are largely viscous, able to run together into a smorgasbord of flavor and intrigue. Everything was pretty well distributed, not a chip was nude.
• Price: (3) I worry that it’s not even worth it to review this section, because, well….what do you expect? It’s Disney World and everything is outrageously priced. From our $350 entrance fee to $8 pints at the London Showcase pub, if you come to Disney World you’d better bring some spendin’ money to keep your pocketful of dreams company. The portion was small–enough to be a meal for one person, but split 3-ways was rather spartan for $8. Only slightly worse than the Lower Depths…but not by much.
• Overall: (21/40) Nacho Patrol really really loves Disney World, and for that reason we’re going to add on a few gratuity points. So the nachos sucked. Whatever. It’s Disney World…what do you expect? 30/40!

On a side note, Nacho Patrol’s resident margarita expert (who will be hanging up her drinkin’ shoes until finals are over until May), Smash, gave the $8.50 frozen margs (also located in the Mexico Showcase) an 8/10–two points off because they’re only available frozen and not on the rocks, a Smash essential.

Everyday reaffirming our belief that good nachos are everywhere, only waiting to be found, Nacho Patrol will continue to travel the world (Yes, the World!) to bring you the good world of the nacho. This, of course, is a one-day-at-a- time process: after all, traveling the world should take us longer than the 20 minute walk around the World showcase….