1. Founding Patroller SmAsh recently got hitched to a lovely gentleman, who among many other wonderful qualities, was fully behind them serving a Mexican buffet at their wedding. This led to:
2. The first reunion of the entire founding Nacho Patrollers in several years, in:
3. California, our 11th state to nacho review in!

Seeing as we were in one of the most famous seafood cities in the world, San Francisco, we went in search of something that has long intrigued us: seafood nachos.  We found them at Playa Azul, a lovely, inexpensive Mexican joint on Mission Street.  We highly recommend this place if you are looking for fresh Mexican seafood, but must warn anyone with a fear of mariachi bands to stay far away. The “Nachos Playa Azul”, which you can order by the half-dozen or dozen (a first), come with beans, cheese, crab ceviche, shrimp, sour cream and avocado.

• Appearance: (9) Now those are some loaded chips!  Each one resembled a miniature pizza slice, with a layer of melted cheese and the toppings piled high. The pink shrimp, gooey melted cheese, and verdant salad/avocado center presented a stunning sight.
• Quality of Ingredients: (10) The seafood was the main feature here, and it was excellent.  The shrimp were well cooked and the crab ceviche was delicious. We, who hate lettuce on nachos, even loved the greens in the middle, which were a combination of arugula and spinach and very lightly dressed.
• Distribution of Toppings:  (9) While one could not complain about naked chips here, we did wish that the avocado had already been stacked on the chips, instead of in the center where we had to apply it ourselves.
• Price: (8) At $17.49 for a dozen (that’s $1.46 per chip for those of you playing along at home), these are a  worthwhile splurge.
• Overall: 36/40.  These are some of the best, most interesting specialty nachos we’ve ever had.  Between this and the amazing nachos at Peso’s Kitchen in Seattle, we have to wonder– are we on the wrong coast??

Regina Nachos: Corn tortilla chips piled high with melted Pepper Jack and Mozzarella cheese, Regina sausage, tomatoes, chopped red onions, black olives and sliced hot cherry peppers.  Garnished with sour cream and guacamole.

• Appearance: (7) In our three and a half years of eating nachos, we have never seen this much cheese. The photo doesn’t do it justice, but there is actually an ocean of cheese on that plate. A Mexiterranean Ocean of cheese. In theory, a glut of cheese should be delicious, but in practice it’s not exactly aesthetically pleasing. It consumed the tomatoes, olives, and onions, drenching the chips and obscuring the lovely painted plate. Luckily, the guac and sour cream were on the side, else we’d have a downright mess on our hands!
• Distribution: (7) We thought we’d never say this, but there was too much cheese. Side effects of Too Much Cheese include soupiness, chip drenching, cheese sweats, soggy chips, and watching years of your life disappear. We appreciated that the cheese completely ensnared the other toppings creating perfectly proportioned bites.
• Quality: (8) In deference to our vegetarian allies, these nachos were sans sausage or chicken, but our friend who ordered a side of sausages said they were delicious. For the most part, the other toppings were average–the guac, tomatoes, olives, and chives were nothing special. The peppers were a nice touch, not too spicy, but a pleasant kick of flavor. The real delight was the mix of Pepper Jack and Mozzarella, combining to make the whole plate taste like pizza (See…these are Italian nachos!), and as we all know, pizza is what Regina does best.
• Price: (7) You can get the basic nachos (as listed above) for $10. For an additional $5 you can add buffalo chicken. $10 is average for the area, matching the cost of the former Sport’s Depot nachos, but we find the concept of $5 chicken so offensive that we’re knocking them down another point.
• Overall: 29/40. We loved the flavors and passion with which the cook layered on the cheese, but ultimately these nachos suffered from too much of a yummy thing.

Do we risk getting whacked if we keep writing average-to-negative nacho reviews of North End hot spots?

Despite its proximity to the bromageddon that is the North Station area, we found Ducali to be pleasantly empty the evening we popped in (be sure to check the Garden schedule in advance before making a trip). Along with beers from their small but varied list, we made a beeline for the aforementioned nachos, described as “Pizza dough chips baked with mozzarella cheese, hot pepper and salami, served with a spicy tomato sauce.”

• Appearance: (8) Yet another in our occasional series, “These don’t look very much like nachos at all.”  But boy did they look tempting…
• Quality of Ingredients: (8) The crisp flatbread “chips”, dusted with parmesan, were quite tasty. We equally enjoyed the house-pickled peppers and the salami slices.  There was disagreement over whether the tomato sauce was accurately billed as “spicy”, as half of us found it rather bland.  In the end, all of the ingredients were on par with what you would find on a well-made pizza…just in different forms.
• Distribution of Toppings: (7) While the presentation was visually appealing, it led to the cheese running to the end of all the chips. There was also a layer of a few chips underneath it all that had no cheese whatsoever.  The chips were so tasty on their own though, that we didn’t mind all that much, and they were perfect for scooping up the marinara sauce. Overall, the moderate cheese coating and sauce on the side led to an overall drier nacho experience than we typically prefer.
• Price: (9) At $8 these were very reasonably priced for their quality, and split between two people, a good half of a meal.
• Overall: 32/40.  These nachos are the best “authentic” Italian nachos we have encountered in Boston (so, better than Anchovies).  We recommend making a trip, but if you are going to partake bring some friends and make sure you leave room for their excellent pizza!

• Appearance: (4) Excuse me, waiter? There must be some mistake, you’ve brought me a salad!
• Quality of Ingredients: (9) Upon closer investigation, the vegetable on top was not lettuce but sliced Napa cabbage, which was…better than expected.  With the Cotija cheese on top and some crema sauce underneath, it was almost edible on its own as a salad.  Underneath, we appreciated the thick housemade chips and pickled jalapenos. There were a few small dabs of guacamole, but we found them to be slightly funky and overripe tasting.
• Distribution of Toppings: (7.5) There was a fair amount of cheese and the sour cream sauce added to the distribution, but the lid of cabbage cooled the cheese unusually fast, leaving it in thick slabs.  Still, just about every chip has something tasty on it.
• Price: (10) For $5 these were an exceptionally filling snack for two.
• Overall: 30.5/40.  If you make a trip to Lone Star, these nachos are definitely worth your time, cash, and stomach space.  Sometimes dreams really do come true…

• Appearance: (6) Nothing too exciting going on here.  Fresh jalapenos were the only item to catch the eye.
• Quality of Ingredients: (5) The chef surely didn’t tax himself much, beyond using a can opener. The chili bore a striking resemblance to taco beef, or, according to one reviewer, Manwich. While the chips were decidedly from a bag, they were thicker and saltier than your average Tostito. The one non-packaged item on the nachos was the diced tomato in the salsa…or so we think.
• Distribution of Toppings: (5) Early on it was apparent that there would be distribution issues. Many of the underlying chips were broken, and there was not nearly enough cheese, nor was it evenly dispersed. Even the landslide of chili/Manwich was hard to get in one’s mouth due to the broken chips, and a lack of flatware due to our flustered waiter.
• Price: (6) At $10, standard.
• Overall: 22/40. Best leave the Phoenix Landing to what it does best– Guinness pints and Euro Football, and Midweek Techno.

To punish ourselves for not eating nachos recently, we decided to indulge in two nachos: The Fiesta Nachos and the Zinger® Potato Chip Nachos (because nachos with a registered trademark are not weird at all). Just so you know, they also have something called the Chicken Enormous Nachos, but adding that to our tab would likely have killed us.

Fiesta Nachos: Crispy Tortilla chips Layered with Fresh Ground Beef Simmered in Ancho Chili Seasoning, Pico de Gallo and Jalapeños. Smothered in Jack & Cheddar Cheeses, then Melted until Bubbling. Topped with Sour Cream and a dash of taco seasoning.

• Appearance: (4) The overall theme of this review is “meh,” starting with appearance, which was–unsurprisingly–meh. We got chili on the side in deference to our vegetarian friend, but we suspect leaving it on would have done little to make these nachos exciting. Average corn chips, scant cheese melted and congealed until nearly solid, and typical pico and jalapenos. The only mark of distinction was the taco season sprinkled on the ball of sour cream. Nice choice–almost made sour cream bearable.
• Quality of Ingredients: (6) The only thing worth mentioning on this plate was the beef, which despite being ugly, was delicious. It nicely complimented the taco seasoning on the sour cream. Is it sad that’s the highlight? Cheese, chips, pico, and jalepenos were otherwise unremarkable.
• Distribution of Toppings: (5) We suspect someone in the kitchen was saving all the cheese for the Potato Chip and Chicken Enormous nachos, favoring the big brothers over the scrawny runt, the Fiesta. The sprinkling of cheese we did receive chilled too quickly, leaving us with a pile of naked chips and cheese we had to tear apart with our fingers. Chili-on might have helped, but there is no way to get around the fact that there wasn’t enough cheese.
• Price: (7) $8.99–an average plate for an average price.
• Overall: 22/40

“Next!”

• Appearance: (8) Ooze is the name of the game here, as we immediately spot the double-team of cheese AND cheese sauce.  Red-white-green toppings were very appropriate, considering the neighborhood.
• Quality of Ingredients: (7) Even without our most cheese-sauce-friendly correspondent in tow, we had good things to say about the cheese sauce. It was right on the border of homemade-or-not, enough so that we still aren’t sure if it was from a can or the kitchen.  The chips were also debatably made in-house.  Guacamole was fresh, heavy on the red onion, and the salsa was more of a pico of fresh veggies.  We enjoyed the Italian sausage, though larger pieces might have made a bigger impact on the palate.
• Distribution of Toppings: (8) Vito’s employed a distribution tactic we had never seen before– a layer of black beans on the bottom of the plate, but nowhere else.  We found this a little odd until we considered that the beans elevated the chips enough to keep them from getting totally sodden in cheese sauce. Was this intentional?  Unknown, but it did work. As could be expected, the combination of cheese and queso sauce left practically no chip untouched.
• Price:  (8) At $11, these provided an ample amount of heart-stopping goodness for two people.
• Overall: 31/40.  These were more Italian-inspired than a direct translation, earning them a place in the Best of Boston rather than the Specialty Nacho category.  But who cares? They were pretty darn tasty.  We are curious to come back and try the vegetarian nachos, with roasted and sauteed veggies.

• Appearance: (8) Unlike most people at I <3 This Bar & Grill, these nachos look good in both dim and direct light. Red, white, and blue chips, green guac, orange cheese-like sauce (see Distribution), parsley confetti. Yep, it has all those things. We’re taking off three points for a messy plate.
• Distribution: (6) We still don’t know whether the orange stuff was queso dip or melted cheese, but in any case, what they were doing didn’t work. If it was shredded cheese, they did a terrific job melting the top layer, but not so great a job melting the rest. If it’s queso dip, they should have used more to help coat the naked chips on the bottom of the pile. There also wasn’t enough meat, and the so-called black beans touted by the menu were M.I.A.
• Quality: (6) Despite the distribution problems, the mix of queso dip and shredded cheese gave us an extra kick of melty-goodness. We also enjoyed the smoky, peppery flavors in the salsa. Our primarily complaint is with the pulled pork, which was too sweet, and would have been much better off sans-sauce.
• Price: (8) All-American nachos, All-American portion size, All-American prices. That used to mean super cheap, but now that means $9 for a small order. Too much for two people, probably too small for a group. In case you’re feeling extra hungry, they have something called “That Damn Nacho,” which includes all the toppings from a small order, plus three kinds of meat–chicken, BBQ beef, and pulled beef–for $20.
• Overall: 28/40. We feel a little guilty supporting the Toby Keith Industrial Complex, but despite our qualms,  I <3 This Bar & Grill serves good food in a lively environment. If we knew anything about country music, we’d insert some sort of relevant lyric, but since we stick primarily to 90′s tunes, we’ll close by saying: America! Fuck yeah!

• Appearance:  (5) A toupee of shredded romaine alongside a vat of orange cheese=NOT what we were expecting!  With their green-and-gold color scheme, these could easily be the official nachos of the Green Bay Packers. Congealed cheese and a hint of tomato were the only signs of life from beneath.
• Quality of Ingredients: (7) In deference to our vegetarian host Natalie we skipped the beef chili and got these with only the the roasted corn and black beans, which we very much enjoyed.  The chips were homemade but slightly stale and not salty enough.  The guacamole was fresh and citrusy and we appreciated the fresh jalapenos, which have proven to be exceedingly rare on nachos. And while we never like lettuce on nachos, we must acknowledge that it was fresh and romaine.  The real cheese was slightly burnt, and we were divided on the cheese sauce (surprise!)– some found it too cheap and generic-tasting for these nachos, while others found it a pleasant addition.
• Distribution of Toppings: (5) There was not nearly enough salsa and cheese, so the cheese sauce did come in handy for some extra oomph.  We would be interested to try these with chili…though with all the other toppings, it was not too badly missed.
• Price: (9) At $8, these were not at all the tourist trap we were expecting!  Finished handily by three.
• Overall: 26/40.  You’d never guess that these nachos came from “a haven for writers, thinkers and performers from America’s progressive social and political movements”.  They seemed so…normal. That couldn’t be!  Perhaps the juxtaposition of the two cheese forms represented the immigrant struggle between assimilation and traditional culture? Was the oppressive lid of romaine a symbol of white male patriarchal domination?  And what does the heat of the jalapenos have to say about pacifism? We pondered until our ponderers were tired, or until it was time to catch our flight. Perhaps there is no subtext, no meaning, just a plate of mid-level nachos.