“Next!”

• Appearance: (8) Ooze is the name of the game here, as we immediately spot the double-team of cheese AND cheese sauce.  Red-white-green toppings were very appropriate, considering the neighborhood.
• Quality of Ingredients: (7) Even without our most cheese-sauce-friendly correspondent in tow, we had good things to say about the cheese sauce. It was right on the border of homemade-or-not, enough so that we still aren’t sure if it was from a can or the kitchen.  The chips were also debatably made in-house.  Guacamole was fresh, heavy on the red onion, and the salsa was more of a pico of fresh veggies.  We enjoyed the Italian sausage, though larger pieces might have made a bigger impact on the palate.
• Distribution of Toppings: (8) Vito’s employed a distribution tactic we had never seen before– a layer of black beans on the bottom of the plate, but nowhere else.  We found this a little odd until we considered that the beans elevated the chips enough to keep them from getting totally sodden in cheese sauce. Was this intentional?  Unknown, but it did work. As could be expected, the combination of cheese and queso sauce left practically no chip untouched.
• Price:  (8) At $11, these provided an ample amount of heart-stopping goodness for two people.
• Overall: 31/40.  These were more Italian-inspired than a direct translation, earning them a place in the Best of Boston rather than the Specialty Nacho category.  But who cares? They were pretty darn tasty.  We are curious to come back and try the vegetarian nachos, with roasted and sauteed veggies.

• Appearance: (8) Unlike most people at I <3 This Bar & Grill, these nachos look good in both dim and direct light. Red, white, and blue chips, green guac, orange cheese-like sauce (see Distribution), parsley confetti. Yep, it has all those things. We’re taking off three points for a messy plate.
• Distribution: (6) We still don’t know whether the orange stuff was queso dip or melted cheese, but in any case, what they were doing didn’t work. If it was shredded cheese, they did a terrific job melting the top layer, but not so great a job melting the rest. If it’s queso dip, they should have used more to help coat the naked chips on the bottom of the pile. There also wasn’t enough meat, and the so-called black beans touted by the menu were M.I.A.
• Quality: (6) Despite the distribution problems, the mix of queso dip and shredded cheese gave us an extra kick of melty-goodness. We also enjoyed the smoky, peppery flavors in the salsa. Our primarily complaint is with the pulled pork, which was too sweet, and would have been much better off sans-sauce.
• Price: (8) All-American nachos, All-American portion size, All-American prices. That used to mean super cheap, but now that means $9 for a small order. Too much for two people, probably too small for a group. In case you’re feeling extra hungry, they have something called “That Damn Nacho,” which includes all the toppings from a small order, plus three kinds of meat–chicken, BBQ beef, and pulled beef–for $20.
• Overall: 28/40. We feel a little guilty supporting the Toby Keith Industrial Complex, but despite our qualms,  I <3 This Bar & Grill serves good food in a lively environment. If we knew anything about country music, we’d insert some sort of relevant lyric, but since we stick primarily to 90′s tunes, we’ll close by saying: America! Fuck yeah!

• Appearance:  (5) A toupee of shredded romaine alongside a vat of orange cheese=NOT what we were expecting!  With their green-and-gold color scheme, these could easily be the official nachos of the Green Bay Packers. Congealed cheese and a hint of tomato were the only signs of life from beneath.
• Quality of Ingredients: (7) In deference to our vegetarian host Natalie we skipped the beef chili and got these with only the the roasted corn and black beans, which we very much enjoyed.  The chips were homemade but slightly stale and not salty enough.  The guacamole was fresh and citrusy and we appreciated the fresh jalapenos, which have proven to be exceedingly rare on nachos. And while we never like lettuce on nachos, we must acknowledge that it was fresh and romaine.  The real cheese was slightly burnt, and we were divided on the cheese sauce (surprise!)– some found it too cheap and generic-tasting for these nachos, while others found it a pleasant addition.
• Distribution of Toppings: (5) There was not nearly enough salsa and cheese, so the cheese sauce did come in handy for some extra oomph.  We would be interested to try these with chili…though with all the other toppings, it was not too badly missed.
• Price: (9) At $8, these were not at all the tourist trap we were expecting!  Finished handily by three.
• Overall: 26/40.  You’d never guess that these nachos came from “a haven for writers, thinkers and performers from America’s progressive social and political movements”.  They seemed so…normal. That couldn’t be!  Perhaps the juxtaposition of the two cheese forms represented the immigrant struggle between assimilation and traditional culture? Was the oppressive lid of romaine a symbol of white male patriarchal domination?  And what does the heat of the jalapenos have to say about pacifism? We pondered until our ponderers were tired, or until it was time to catch our flight. Perhaps there is no subtext, no meaning, just a plate of mid-level nachos.

On vacation in Lenox, MA (Official Motto: Are you a rich middle aged woman? Then you’ll love it here!), we had practically given up hope on finding nachos amongst the bevy of overpriced Italian restaurants and wine bars.  Then serendipity struck at Spoon, a cute little breakfast/lunch/ice cream cafe in the heart of town.  Our bleary eyes widened in surprise and delight at the description of Chilaquiles on their menu: “Basically, nachos with eggs. Salsa verde, queso fresco, crema, jalapeno.” Nachos AND breakfast? Sign us up!

Aren’t those egg yolks just begging to be popped??

• Appearance: (7) We found these to be much less colorful than the description. But it turned out that the salsa verde and crema had been combine into one.  +1 for excellent use of garnish.
• Quality of Ingredients: (10) The chips were thick and hearty, almost like pita chips, and definitely homemade.  The crema/salsa verde combination was at once spicy, tangy, smooth and creamy– and the queso fresco added a nice salty kick.  The poached eggs were a little on the runny side (perhaps their only fault, and it can be a personal preference).  We loved the clearly house-made pickled jalapenos and carrots on the side– definitely a nacho patrol first!
• Distribution of Toppings: (8) We could have used a little more of the chili/crema concoction, as it was sad to get a chip without.  Other than that, the distribution is up to the user: how early do you break the eggs?  A warning, once you do break the yolks you need to eat fast– runny egg soaks into a chip far faster than most nacho ingredients.
• Price: (9) At $9, these were a hearty and original breakfast dish, something that is often hard to come by, especially in tourist traps such as this!
• Overall: 34/40.  Other breakfast nachos, if you’re out there, take notice and get your game face on.  These were simple, fresh, authentic tasting, memorable nachos that we would re-eat in a heartbeat.  We wonder, will they ever be topped?

Our waitress was new and wasn’t sure which would be better on these nachos, chili or buffalo chicken, so she kindly suggested a half and half.

• Appearance: (7) A hill of nachos indeed, but a lot of warm tones.  They might have been better had we ordered guacamole (see below: Price).
• Quality of Ingredients: (7.6) We loved the homemade chips, which were thin, crispy and delicious.  We enjoyed the chili as well, and we were VERY pleasantly surprised that the buffalo chicken was spicy, well-cooked, and…actually good!
• Distribution of Toppings:  (7) It’s hard to speak on distribution because of our unconventional order; however, even with only half of the chili there was plenty to go around (we do predict that the nachos with strictly chicken might be a little dry).  The homemade chips held up fairly well to the chili.  There was some weird melting action going on with the cheese– there were pockets of completely unmelted cheese right next to burned chips, which made little sense.
• Price: (3) Here is where things fall apart.  The basic nachos are $10; if you want chili or chicken it’s an extra $4, guacamole is an extra $2.  We were floored at the idea of $16 nachos– what is this, Game On!? Actually, Game On! was $1 cheaper an five of us nearly killed ourselves trying to finish them.  These were easily demolished by three, with room left over for entrees.  Sure, the quality was good, but we’ve had better and for less.
• Overall: 24.6/40.  Drop the price a little bit, and these are some high ranking nachos.  Perhaps as this place grows into itself there can be some menu tinkering.  In particular, we would love to see them attempt a real buffalo chicken nacho (with blue cheese, et al.) as we think they might actually be able to pull it off.

According to our server, Mija opened two weeks ago, but if we didn’t know better, we would assume someone had hauled in a wait staff off the street, forgot to train them, and then opened doors three months early. We didn’t even know where to begin in describing the problems with the service, so we condensed it down into a list:

• Upon arriving, a nervous looking hostess told us it would be an hour wait for a table of seven. This was Wednesday early evening, and once we pointed to a whole slew of empty tables and told her we would just sit separately, she told us they could push two tables together.
• While waiting for our table, we noticed numerous waitresses demonstrate an absolute inability to hold a tray.
• Our waitress could only find one drink menu, and then brought out the wrong beer three times. We asked for a Long Trail IPA–first they served us Bud Light. Twice they brought out Harpoon IPA. We gave up after that.
• It took five bartenders 22 minutes to serve us two margaritas so bad that we had to send them back.
• In deference to our vegetarian table-mate, we asked for carnitas to be served on the side of our ‘chos. When the runner put the plate on the table, we saw a distinct pile of meat. Asking him if these had “carnitas on the side,” he quickly said yes and left before we could argue. We would have been grumpy about this until we noticed that the beans had meat built in. Which brings us to the issue of the nachos…

• Appearance: (7) Very colorful, but in an unsettling way.  Only canned condiments and pre-made chips are ever that bright.
• Quality of Ingredients: (5) Jarred salsa, guacamole from a bucket, and the chips, while colorful, were a little stale.  The chili was good but had a strange hint of summer sausage flavor, which, while not unpleasant, was a little odd.  We were puzzled by the sour cream, which appeared to have some sort of chives mixed in, but with no discernible effect on the flavor.
• Distribution of Toppings: (6)  While there was a fair amount of chili, the cheese was not entirely melted, which hampered distribution.
• Price: (8.3)  In this age of nacho inflation, it’s nice to see a sizable plate of nachos, with chili for only $10.
• Overall: 26.3.  These nachos were exactly what we expected from the place, nothing more, nothing less.  Edible, even enjoyable, but worth neither a long review or a return visit.

No one’s first time is all that great, right?  On to bigger and better Southie nachos!

• Appearance: (5)  The photo here does this particular plate too much justice, but trust us, the tomatoes were wan and the cheese pre-congealed. The chili looked delicious, but god damnit there was lettuce! Cue a very passionate out-loud groan.
• Quality: (2) We don’t even know where to begin. First of all, we liked the chili. The chunks of meat were ample and not of the ground-beef variety. The extent of our compliments need to end there, because the only other part of these nachos that didn’t make us cry was the lettuce (and black olives! -ed). That should tell you a lot about the quality. The chips were absolutely the stalest we have ever encountered.  Our Guest Correspondent Tim described them as cardboard, which is probably as apt a metaphor as we can give you to describe the stale, soft, and salty foundation of our chos. Normally when you bite into a chip you expect a bright crunching sound. When you bit in to these chips, it sounds a little bit like shattering safety glass. We wondered aloud, what happened to these?  Had someone accidentally left a bag of chips open since last summer and then tried to make nachos with them?? Louder groan!
• Distribution: (5) The cheese was cold even before it got to our table, making it very hard for it properly coat the chips. The chili was ladled with a heavy hand but unfortunately, only on the very top of the chips, leaving many naked below.  This worked to our advantage as it was easier to spoon off and avoid the abominable chips, but that really doesn’t deserve extra points!
• Price: (5.5) At $10, why not just pay a dollar more and go for the $11 pitcher-of-PBR-and-pizza deal, and save yourself the jaw-numbing, soul-crushing apocalypse that is these nachos?? Really.  Save yourself.
• Overall: 17.5/40.

Here’s a question: how long do these nachos have to go un-ordered before Newtowne takes them off the menu? Three months? Six? We, say, however long as it takes.  People of the world, unite! Boycott this disaster!  Down with stale chips!  Viva la PBR and pizza instead!