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Advice for the Occasional Defector: Burchos

14 Dec

It happens to the most loyal of patrollers. You’re next in line at the fast-food counter when you are faced with a dilemma. Nachos or burrito? Burrito or nachos? You weigh the pros and cons in your head.

Nachos
Burritos
DELICIOUS. Burritos are massive, but at least they’re not fried?
Tortilla chips are triangular. Burritos are round.
Nachos are social, and you don’t have any friends Burritos can be consumed alone in your cube where your only companion is a spreadsheet…

“Next!”

Crap! What to do… Then you realize the person behind the counter is not some scrappy white kid who only moved here from Connecticut for school, but is actually Mexican!

“BURRITO!”

Then the anxiety sets in. Burritos can go wrong in a lot of ways. But don’t fret. Nacho Patrol is here to help. Let us recall that valuable wisdom we acquired from our liquid-cheese sen-seis at Qdoba: burritos are really just nachos to-go. So plan your burrito accordingly with the following phrases:
“Little meat”

“Nacho cheese” (or if they don’t have it, “Mucho cheese”)

“More cheese”

And you’re done! For places that serve chips on the side, you can even get the best of both worlds and not regret your decision to stray from the caloric paradigm that is nachos (don’t forget the Cholula).

You’re welcome.

Vito’s Tavern: Leave the Gun, Take the Nachos

13 Oct

We normally avoid the North End like overpriced, overtouristed area should be avoided, but also because even if we did manage to find Italian nachos, they would probably be terrible. After a mediocre experience at Anchovies and a downright disastrous attempt at making our own pizza-inspired ‘chos, we had little hope.  But hunger goes hand in hand with poor judgement, so we found ourselves at the semi-new Vito’s Tavern in the North End, to try their ‘Bruzzese Sausage nachos, with “the usual.”

  • Appearance: (8) Ooze is the name of the game here, as we immediately spot the double-team of cheese AND cheese sauce.  Red-white-green toppings were very appropriate, considering the neighborhood.
  • Quality of Ingredients: (7) Even without our most cheese-sauce-friendly correspondent in tow, we had good things to say about the cheese sauce. It was right on the border of homemade-or-not, enough so that we still aren’t sure if it was from a can or the kitchen.  The chips were also debatably made in-house.  Guacamole was fresh, heavy on the red onion, and the salsa was more of a pico of fresh veggies.  We enjoyed the Italian sausage, though larger pieces might have made a bigger impact on the palate.
  • Distribution of Toppings: (8) Vito’s employed a distribution tactic we had never seen before– a layer of black beans on the bottom of the plate, but nowhere else.  We found this a little odd until we considered that the beans elevated the chips enough to keep them from getting totally sodden in cheese sauce. Was this intentional?  Unknown, but it did work. As could be expected, the combination of cheese and queso sauce left practically no chip untouched.
  • Price:  (8) At $11, these provided an ample amount of heart-stopping goodness for two people.
  • Overall: 31/40.  These were more Italian-inspired than a direct translation, earning them a place in the Best of Boston rather than the Specialty Nacho category.  But who cares? They were pretty darn tasty.  We are curious to come back and try the vegetarian nachos, with roasted and sauteed veggies.

Toby Keith’s I <3 This Bar and Grill: America. FUTK yeah.

18 Aug

Continuing with our “Nachos From Exotic Locales To Make Up For Rarely Posting” series, we bring you Toby Keith’s I <3 This Bar & Grill in St. Louis Park, Minnesota. Using live music, hearty portion-sizes, and mason jars, I <3 This Bar & Grill is doing to country what the Hard Rock Cafe did to rock: increasing the guitar size by 1000% and turning music into a tourist trap. That the developers at the West End thought the new retail park needed a country music bar probably hints at Minnesota’s right-wing swing, but if country music means more nachos for us, then we’re willing to indulge Toby Keith for at least one meal.

  • Appearance: (8) Unlike most people at I <3 This Bar & Grill, these nachos look good in both dim and direct light. Red, white, and blue chips, green guac, orange cheese-like sauce (see Distribution), parsley confetti. Yep, it has all those things. We’re taking off three points for a messy plate.
  • Distribution: (6) We still don’t know whether the orange stuff was queso dip or melted cheese, but in any case, what they were doing didn’t work. If it was shredded cheese, they did a terrific job melting the top layer, but not so great a job melting the rest. If it’s queso dip, they should have used more to help coat the naked chips on the bottom of the pile. There also wasn’t enough meat, and the so-called black beans touted by the menu were M.I.A.
  • Quality: (6) Despite the distribution problems, the mix of queso dip and shredded cheese gave us an extra kick of melty-goodness. We also enjoyed the smoky, peppery flavors in the salsa. Our primarily complaint is with the pulled pork, which was too sweet, and would have been much better off sans-sauce.
  • Price: (8) All-American nachos, All-American portion size, All-American prices. That used to mean super cheap, but now that means $9 for a small order. Too much for two people, probably too small for a group. In case you’re feeling extra hungry, they have something called “That Damn Nacho,” which includes all the toppings from a small order, plus three kinds of meat–chicken, BBQ beef, and pulled beef–for $20.
  • Overall: 28/40. We feel a little guilty supporting the Toby Keith Industrial Complex, but despite our qualms,  I <3 This Bar & Grill serves good food in a lively environment. If we knew anything about country music, we’d insert some sort of relevant lyric, but since we stick primarily to 90′s tunes, we’ll close by saying: America! Fuck yeah!
PS. if you don’t get the title of this post, click here.
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